Most people think that when a relationship breaks it leads to a heartbreak. That makes sense, really. So when a woman says, “He broke my heart,” we generally think she’s been jilted. She must have invested her time, maybe money and body, too, in a relationship. Some callous guy must have sailed into the sunset with her dignity.

Well, it is true in some cases. But in the
majority of cases, a broken relationship (or home) is preceded by at least one
broken heart.

It’s not the way you’re thinking, though. You may feel that someone — maybe the husband — has so much emotionally and physically battered his wife and broken her heart (and maybe her body along with it), and when the hapless woman has had enough, she just walks out of it all.

Yes, you are right, but it’s more complicated than that, really. In the overwhelming majority of the cases, the broken heart was there long before the relationship was initiated.

See, people need to recognize the fact that so many of us were brought up in damaging family environments. Too many people are walking around with a sick mind formed in toxic home environments in which they grew up. So many homes that are breaking up today were formed by individuals whose hearts weren’t healthy in the first place.

Marriage doesn’t heal sick and broken hearts, it accentuates their weaknesses. Marriage is for many people the crucible in which the impurities of their hearts are brought out.

Some men were brought up under severely abusive
situations. The very definition of their heart’s condition is insecurity. They
always try to make up for their feelings of inadequacy by talking down on someone,
or throwing abusive and sarcastic remarks here and there. They don’t feel big
until they have made someone small. They always overcompensate for their
weaknesses. It is not easy for such men to apologize. They’d rather turn the
table against the one they wronged and do everything to be right. You have
right there a heart that has been shattered by a toxic upbringing or early
exposure to destructive influences. They may be handsome and hard working, but
their psyche is held together by chords that are a thousand times thinner than
a hair’s breadth.

Marriage doesn’t heal sick and broken hearts, it accentuates their weaknesses. Marriage is for many people the crucible in which the impurities of their hearts are brought out.

— Deon Akintomide

Then Mr. Handsome gets married. On whom do you think he will unleash the hidden frustrations in his subconscious mind? The person closest to him, of course.

That means wifey is in big trouble.

Or the woman who was sexually abused — maybe repeatedly — as a kid. Or has been indoctrinated by a bitter mother that all men are terrible beasts… Or has seen her mother being bullied and beaten up several times by a T-Rex of a father. And has suffered untold deprivations, leading to a deep fear of poverty. She is beautiful, but broken within. She has a twisted understanding of sex and sexuality. And then she gets married. Who do you think will be the immediate victim of the boiling, pressurized choler within her?

Well, hubby is in hot soup! And the kids, too!

Now imagine when two broken hearts join in matrimony, holy or otherwise. It is simple. Two broken hearts will lead to a broken home. After the breakup, each will accuse the other of breaking their heart, but it is a belated observation. The hearts were broken long before they even met; they just didn’t realize it.

I’m trying to keep things simple here. I hope to come up with a more comprehensive ‘epistle’ on this later. I just want all of us to face this mostly unobserved fact: most, if not all of us, were brought up with various degrees of heartbreak. I don’t think any of us was raised in a perfect situation. Parents tried, teachers tried, uncles and aunties did their best, but since they themselves weren’t perfect, what hope did they have of raising perfect children? And quite often, these custodians were the very reason for the broken hearts.

The first sermon of Jesus was revealing. He said the Spirit of the Lord was upon Him, because He had been “anointed to preach the gospel to the poor, and then to heal the broken hearted.” He mentioned other things he came to do, but I will stop at these two.

The Heart, too, Can be Healed

We lay so much emphasis today on the ministry of healing the body. I am a healing minister, and I have seen so many healed of many kinds of diseases. But Jesus is all about healing the heart, too. You may have all the cells in your body working optimally, but have your mind broken in a thousand places. A broken mind may eventually lead to a broken body, but that isn’t always the case. Many times, a broken heart goes on to break other hearts, and still goes on to play the victim.

After years of studying human character, I have come to the conclusion that those who wouldn’t stand others are generally those who can’t stand themselves. It brings temporary relief to project one’s faults unto others and then viciously fight those faults in them. The relief it brings is temporary, so you’ll have to do it again and again. Obnoxious people generally wonder why people avoid them. They never see themselves as the problem.

I’m not teaching psychology. I know psychology is useful, but it will only go as far as showing you the problem. It’s power to heal the heart is limited. The Messiah said, “I have come to heal the broken hearted.” That is my emphasis.

My wife and I do all we can for those under our leadership preparing to get married. A cursory observation of some of them clearly reveals that they won’t ever make a happy home. Unless their hearts are healed first. In too many instances than I’d love to admit, they are so love drunk and wrapped in pseudo confidence that they go ahead anyway, without first receiving the counsel and spiritual help they clearly need. Some would tell me, “Pastor Deon, she’s so perfect for me and I don’t think we can ever have any issues.” Just months later the home is boiling.

You could say, “Well, if my marriage doesn’t work, I’d just leave and marry again.” Sorry, this is also more complicated than you think. See the numbers for yourself: Whereas 45% – 50% of marriages end in divorce, roughly 67% – 80% of second marriages end in divorce. You haven’t heard the worse. More than 74% of third marriages end in divorce.* So, the more marriages you contract, the more likely they are to end them in a divorce. Note that these statistics do not include marital separation in which divorce is never finalized for some reason. [*Statistics apply to the U.S. population. Copycat nations are being socially engineered to catch up].

You may even say, “I’m smarter than you guys and I won’t even marry at all, so I can avoid all this divorce and separation nonsense.” Well, I don’t know how that will help your broken heart. What you need is healing, not escape.

Just don’t forget what the Messiah said, “I have come to heal the broken hearted.” (Luke 4:18)

He will heal your broken heart, if you let Him. This isn’t just about marriage. Your future may depend on it. But I’m speaking specifically about marriages and relationships here.

Watch out for part 2 of this ‘epistle.’