The couple invited me to counsel them on some issues and to pray with them. I sat down in their expansive living room, waiting for them to show up. The only company I had in that living room was their 10-year old boy. He sat down in front of the huge television with his eyeglasses perched at the end of his nose, laughing and screaming at the characters he was controlling with his joystick. He was totally enthralled by the video game he was playing.

The volume was deafening. This boy was playing a video game in which people’s heads were being blown off, bodies were being sawed into two and blood and gore were flowing everywhere. He was thoroughly enjoying it. He had loads of burgers and fries on a tray beside him. Two bottles of soft drink, both half consumed, were there, too. He would laugh and take a bite, and move his round body here and there as he killed more and more people on the screen.

When I was ushered into that sitting room earlier, the boy only glanced at me. He didn’t return my greetings. When he looked at me, it was clear that he regarded me as an intruder who came to disrupt his enjoyment. I did not like wasting my time waiting for people who didn’t keep to time, but I was interested in studying this overweight child. There was still much to see.
Then his mother waltzed in and greeted me warmly. The TV was so loud I could hardly hear her. She looked towards her son and it was so obvious that she was very unwilling to tell him to lower the volume. She sat down and started to talk to me. I made it clear that the noise was a distraction. She reluctantly said to her boy, “Jay, please turn down the volume.”

Jay didn’t even pretend to hear. When the mother said it the third time, he shot her a disapproving glance and angrily slapped the stool beside him.
“What is this all about now? I have told you many times not to disturb me whenever I’m doing something important!”

Jay was doing something important, and his mother was disturbing him!
Then he turned to his video game again and continued killing and maiming and bombing people in restaurants and bus-stops.

No way was I going to be counseling anyone in this disrespectful atmosphere. I requested for the father. He was supposed to be there with us. And surely the man of the house should be able to handle this brat. The wife told me they just had a quarrel and the man was cooling down. He would be around shortly, she said.

And then the man showed up. He was a giant of a man, at least six feet four. Broad chested and quite muscular, I saw him as the salvation we needed from this video gamer.

He sat heavily in the chair next to me and started greeting me warmly. He made no attempt to call his son to order. He was speaking rather loudly so that his voice could rise above the din.

The way I see it, more and more people are getting married without knowing the first thing about parenting. One of the reasons for this is that most of them weren’t parented well to begin with, and so are largely clueless about the subject.

— Deon Akintomide

I told him the noise was distracting me. He looked lazily towards the boy. “Jay, would you please turn down the volume?”

Jay had had enough. He got up angrily and threw the joystick in his daddy’s direction and hissed in that uniquely African way. “I don’t disturb you when you do your own thing, why do you always bother me when I am busy with important things?” said Jay.

As he spoke, he moved his rotund body awkwardly towards the door. His father got up and lumbered after him. This boy is in big trouble today, I thought. Well, no. His father caught up with him and held him tenderly to himself. By then the boy was already crying pitifully. The mother had turned the volume down and I could now hear every word clearly.

“Jay that isn’t true. You know we have a visitor today and that TV was making a h-ll of a noise.”

At the mention of the visitor, Jay looked in my direction and stuck out his tongue at me. I was totally dumbfounded. His father laughed and said, “Pastor Deon, isn’t he a funny boy!” His mother laughed, too. Needless to say, I didn’t laugh.

The father promised to take him shopping. The mother told him we wouldn’t spend more than 20 minutes and he could come back to continue his massacre. He should meanwhile go to his room and use the other game console. No, said the boy. “The screen in my room is too small!”

Then he left us. And the countdown began.

The parents then told me to continue what I was saying. They acted like what just happened was the most natural thing in the world.

But i was curious. “Is Jay having any medical issues?” No, said the parents. “Does he have any mental issues?” No, said the parents. “Then why can’t you people call him to order?” Pastor Deon, we were all kids once. Jay is just being a child, said mom and dad.

Ten minuets later, the boy was back.

“You guys should round off. It’s twenty minutes already,” he said.
While the parents were pleading for more time, I was already on my feet. I had seen enough stupidity in one family that could have turned ten crazy.

Brethren, I just narrated to you one of my many experiences with irresponsible parents.

Society’s failure

The society is producing boys and girls like Jay. And boys like Jay makes it easy to be a ‘prophet.’ I could predict exactly how Jay will turn out. He will beat his mother one day. He will squander his parents’ wealth. He will be poor in social skills and will grow up with a tendency to have his way by force. He will be desensitized to violence and will definitely use drugs. The only friend he will ever have are those who are after what they can get from him. He is highly likely to become suicidal at some point after his hazy, lazy expectations repeatedly go unfulfilled. I can go on and on.

But the prophecy doesn’t have to come true. Things can change. For boys and girls like Jay, things can still change. If the parents change, things will change.

Society will not fail until parenting fails. Or let me re-frame: society is failing because parenting is failing. The authority to run the world is being gradually transferred to children who were never taught basic character. Look around you and see what goes on in the homes of ‘educated people.’ Children are taking over everywhere. They decide everything. The parents think that is the civilized thing to do. The kids shut themselves in their room and watch all kinds of evil things on the Internet, and practise all kinds of vile things. The kids control their parents.

I once highlighted the ‘strange’ fact that Bill Gates didn’t permit his children to have their own mobile phones until they were 14. Gates said he and his wife limited the time his children spent in front of the screens.

Steve Jobs revealed in a 2011 New York Times interview that he didn’t allow his children to use the newly released iPad. He said he limited the time his children spent with modern devices.

We are talking here about Bill Gates and Steve Jobs. Isn’t it ironic that the very people responsible for these technologies aren’t permitting their children to use them, at least until they have formed their personalities? Doesn’t it make a lot of sense to reason that these people know some things about these devices that the hoi polloi are ignorant of?

And here you are, bragging to your friends that you just bought the latest iPad for your three year old, and the newest PlayStation for your six year old boy. Aren’t you scattering your children’s brain to make the Gates and the Jobs rich?

Parenting is an art. I have always believed that young couples preparing to marry should learn parenting. I know you can’t learn everything, but you must at least be prepared. The way I see it, more and more people are getting married without knowing the first thing about parenting. One of the reasons for this is that most of them weren’t parented well to begin with, and so are largely clueless about the subject.

This is my twentieth year in marriage. In those twenty years, I have counselled many parents in my capacities as pastor and counselor. My little experience makes me to conclude that the society is getting more worse at the art of parenting. And worse still, there is hardly any serious attempt to stem the tide of clueless in parenting.

I first heard the term ‘High Quality Man’ from my friend, Jodi Sanow. That term has stayed with me since then. We must learn to raise high quality men and women.

You can make your own case a different one. Start by learning.