Pastor Karl has been married to his elegant wife, Faith, for about 20 years. They have generally had a good marital relationship. Their two children have always been proud of their parents because, like most marriages they know, their daddy and mummy don’t make a career of fighting.

But something seems to have changed in recent time. There have been more arguments. It seems that faith has become more and more demanding. Her husband has noticed that she seems rather eager to blame him for anything that goes wrong. She is now more assertive and seems to have become less respectful. She now often responds to her husband’s jokes with verbal aggression. The couple started their married life together being financially transparent with each other. Now, Faith is insisting that she has to make her own money and keep it.

The children begin to notice that their mother now prefers to do her own thing. She doesn’t carry her husband along as she used to do. More than ever before, there is more tension in the house. At this point, Pastor Karl is starting to respond to her wife’s aloofness with his own negative attitude.
What exactly is going on?

MARRIAGE AND SEASONS

Couples don’t usually realize that there are seasons in marriage. Failure to know this has made many married people respond to challenging situations in a wrong manner.
Marriage usually starts with a honeymoon. That season doesn’t last forever, though. Things change a bit when the woman gets pregnant and starts raising children. For many marriages, the going is still good at this period.

Eventually comes the season of demands. Everything around you seems to want to take something from you. There are children’s school fees to pay. The house rent becomes bigger because you need bigger accommodation for the growing family. At this time, one or both of you may be dealing with a stressful job or joblessness. If you have parents, this is when they are getting old and need your constant financial assistance.

This is the time that many couples start to wish they had their own house if they haven’t already. And because they are also getting older, some health issues may start showing up that demand visits to the doctor. That’s additional money to be spent especially if you’re in an economy without a good healthcare system.

PRESSURE ON THE WOMAN

In many cases, this period weighs more heavily on the woman of the house. Unfortunately, not every family manages this period well, and most husbands seem to lack understanding in this area.
You see, a wife who has practically lived for her husband and children may suddenly start to realize that she has been losing out on a lot of things. Maybe she postponed earning her master’s degree to focus on the home, now she can see the disparity between her salary and those of her mates who have a second degree. Looking at herself at this season, she may conclude that she has achieved much less than her peers.

Who do you think most women blame for a supposedly lackluster life at this period?
Their husband, of course. They may not verbalize their resentment or regrets, but many act it out and take it out on those in the home, especially their husband.
Many women respond to this season by deciding to consciously improve their life. This may take the form of earning a degree, seeking a better job, or starting a new business. Attitudinally, many become more assertive, and sometimes negatively so. They may feel they have allowed their husband to run their life for too long, and they want to be in control and decide their own destiny now.

This is when many women who have been cooperating with their husband want to do their own thing because they are now feeling held back by their husband. They want to maximize their capacity and their gifts without having to answer to anyone, even their husband.

A SEASON OF DANGER

This season is fraught with dangers. A significant number of extramarital affairs take place during this period. This is when many women remember their former boyfriends and start thinking about what could have happened if they had married this man or that woman. So many have reconnected with old ‘friends’ at this time and ended up sinning. Some who go back to school have developed crushes for other men. This has led to the breaking of many marriages.

For a believer, if this season isn’t handled well, it can be a season of reconversion. Many women have come to question their commitment to God. This may be due to seeing their peers who never served God seemingly doing better than they are. Many become cynics and are now only believers in name.

THE CHEMICAL WAR

It is around this time that women generally fight the battles of the hormones, which I call the Chemical War. The mid-forties to the mid-fifties are especially sensitive to women. These are the perimenopausal and menopausal periods.

A lot goes on in the women’s bodies that seems to completely shift their behavioral base. The hormones aren’t kind. Many face depression and anxiety. Some become overly emotional. Because many men lack understanding about this period in the life of women, they respond with negative attitudes. Instead of giving support to their wife, dealing with her “according to knowledge, honoring her as a delicate vessel…” as the scripture says (1 Peter 3:7), they abandon her emotionally and even physically. This is when many betray their wife by seeking companionship from a younger lady outside. This has led many women to seek solace outside the home and many have become victims of those who take advantage of women. Extramarital flings are not uncommon during this period.

I am speaking more about women here, but these principles also apply to men.

RECOGNIZE THE SEASON.

The Bible teaches that there are various seasons in life. It is unwise to not recognize the season you are in your marriage. Having a good grasp of what you are dealing with positions you to apply the relevant solutions. Knowing what is dealing with you is the first step in dealing with it.
As a minister who counsels married couples, I have seen how marriages go through unnecessary stresses just because couples fail to recognize the problems they are really facing. They run to ignorant people for solutions and become prey to ravenous wolves who take advantage of them. Some women become toys in the hands of lecherous men and some men become victims of wicked people who just need a fool to use for their devilish purposes.

If you are in the situation I have described in this article, the first thing you need to do is to seek godly counseling. This is very important. You may need to unburden yourself to a godly counselor who can patiently listen to you and let you see your situation more clearly.

If you apply a knee-jerk solution to the issue, you may damage your life more and create a greater problem for yourself.

RECOGNIZE THE ENEMY

Another thing you need to do is recognize the enemy. Your spouse isn’t your enemy. Your children aren’t at fault. They didn’t ask to be born, so acting out your frustrations on them will create present and future problems for you.

Satan is your enemy. At this time he will whisper all kinds of negative things to you. All he will let you see are the faults in your spouse. Every sacrifice your spouse has made wouldn’t matter anymore. It becomes quite easy for you to connect your spouse to every hurt and disappointment you have experienced. And in most cases, this is a lie. It is just a simple case of scapegoating.

Also, you must make sure you preserve a positive attitude. Negativity at this time will make your case worse. In many instances, the troubles you see are a mirage. For example, many women nearing menopause have a hormonal imbalance that affects how to see things. They get irritated easily and snap at their husband. Without meaning to, they hurt the person who is supposed to be their encourager. They aren’t doing this out of wickedness, their body is the reason: it is deceiving them.

Knowledge is power. Apart from seeking counsel, you must seek spiritual knowledge. Spend time to pray and let the Spirit of God speak to you. Do not let the devil drag you into the blame game. What is done is done, and you must learn to thank God for all the little blessings in your life. There are people whose cases are much worse than yours.

To all spouses reading this, this season is the time to pray constantly for each other and spend time together. Go for short vacations. Spend weekends together alone. Relive old times of romantic outings. Husbands, surprise your wives with gifts and appreciation speeches. Ask your children to call their mother and thank her for her sacrifices.

Wife, appreciate it when you are appreciated. Do not read negative meanings into normal situations.
One good thing about this trying period is, if you can overcome it, the rest of your marriage and life has a greater chance of being blissful.